Skimming The Surface

So my start to being an adult has started off with almost no momentum. Life is boring. I have spent my days either working in the Cafe at McDonald's, finishing entire books in just a day and watching YouTube video after YouTube video. I usually spend the time in the gaps eating. A bag of lollies here, a packet of chips there, maybe 5 or 6 spoonfuls of Nutella straight from the jar. I have been on holidays for close to a month, and have only interacted with friends once and have perhaps formed a very human friendship with my cat. 

You heard most of this I guess in my first blog, but I'm going to go a little beyond that. To my feelings. 

It's not easy to put into words, mostly because I don't even understand how I am feeling myself. Bear with me when I try to explain it. It's the feeling of hopelessness, like I know I will never be good enough or important enough, I'll never earn enough money, I will never make something out of myself. It's the feeling of continuous rage, that the smallest things can set me off and reduce me to tears. It's the feeling of hollowness and absolute loneliness. It's the feeling of never wanting to wake up again. 

I've always preferred to be alone. Because I can only depend on myself. I feel safe, in my small, cozy room. 

But I don't know if I am safe from myself.